Apparel
The Cape of Cuddlement
$249.00
Machine washable. Emotionally indestructible.
Official Merch
The Shop of Softness
Capes, plush, conditioner, and the only calendar where April is a bathtub. Every item is currently sold out — the Captain is restocking between bedtime stories. Sign up at HQ to be notified.
Toy
Plush Mini Captain Beard
$39.00
Hug-certified by three independent toddlers.
Bath
Classified Conditioner
$???
Ingredients redacted. Results: suspiciously fluffy.
Gag
Fwoosh! Spray
$24.50 per can
One spritz. One FWOOSH. One very startled razor.
Accessory
Softness Admin Pin Set
$18.00
Six pins. Wear all six. We're not your supervisor.
Science
Kitten Belly Index Kit
$299.00
Professional-grade softness calibration. Kitten not included*.
Desk Toy
Beard Defender Arcade Cabinet
$6,499.00
Ships freight. Requires one (1) reinforced living room.
Dad Joke Desk Calendar
$14.99
365 groaners. 12 truly inexcusable puns. One regret-free year.
Limited-Time BundleThe Full Softness
The Full Softness
Starter Pack
Cape + Conditioner + Pin Set + Free Hug Coupon. Everything you need to join the Softness Administration.
$484$199
Shipping & Returns
The Fine (Fluffy) Print
- When will my order arrive?
- Delivery time: 2-4 business naps. Express shipping available for an additional soft kiss on the forehead.
- Do you ship internationally?
- We ship anywhere a child can point on a globe, which is everywhere they've ever heard of and several places they haven't.
- What if my item arrives insufficiently soft?
- Return it with a handwritten apology from whoever handled it. We'll replace it and send an additional one, free.